I hate not expressing what is vexing me for fear that I'm a complete freak. Things always seem to fall into focus after you've thrown them out into the black hole of cyberspace. Lately, I've been feeling disconnected and unusually out of touch. Quirkiness may be a virtue in theory, but I feel all my nervous ticks have been making the rifts in my friendships even more obvious. How do you let go of a friendship amicably? Shaking hands on the fact that you have nothing more in common seems a bit obtuse. I have forgotten what it is like to be understood and listened to. Being removed has become the normal.
I dream of this person who listens to Simon & Garfunkel records and wishes on 11:11 with me. Who doesn't laugh at my daydreams and will wake up early to drive out to the ocean. An enigma of an individual who instinctively knows what song I'll like and how much I love to be kissed on the forehead. Kindred spirits, soul mates, whatever you choose to call them. I need one.
Every word that is typed onto the screen is marked with a little hesitation. I hate sounding vulnerable, pathetic, and, most of all, desperate. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not painfully self aware and conscious of what you are thinking of me at all times. A flaw that is so non-congruent with the rest of my personality, it is almost comical.
I sleep to dream. Deep in slumber, I have all the conversations I'm too afraid to initiate in reality. I tell some people I love them, others I miss them, and, to a select few, how gracefully I hide my disdain. Suddenly, I'm conquering my wanderlust and far off aspirations. I fight for one more hour of euphoria before I awake.
This will all be forgotten in the morning. After all, tomorrow is another day.