Tuesday, July 29, 2008

please don't confront me with my failures, i had not forgotten them

Life is what you make it. I'm finally beginning to realize that every moment of your day requires ceaseless will power. Being lazy is so much more than sitting on your coach with a bag of potato chips. Sometimes I don't apply myself because I'm embarrassed that my total, absolute effort isn't as good as it should be. It feels so much easier to do something half way because you don't have to come to terms with what you are or aren't capable of.

I've always shied away from telling people my dreams and aspirations. I get so worried that I'll be laughed at, or that people will think that I'm not good enough. I'm absolutely jealous of anyone who can fully admit to the world what they want. In fact, I even feel nervous for other people when they start admitting their ambitions aloud.

Nobody knows anybody else fully. Ever. But I'm scared people don't know who I am even a little. I don't know when or why I started this, but I automatically put on a front the minute I meet someone. It's this weird, unwanted bad habit. I'm so afraid that my entire personality is a lie.

How do you find out who you really are? I feel like I'm changing and transforming all the time, and I just want to be set in stone.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

i can tap dance. you wanna see me tap dance?

I can't believe it is almost August already. I'm having such a love/hate relationship with summer right now. On one hand, I'm enjoying the sun, chilling with friends, and lying around watching movies. I completely forgot how much I loved Garden State, 10 Things I Hate About You, and The Patriot. And yes, those are just the films I watched today. I really miss Heath Ledger. Maybe it was just an emotional day, but during the scene in 10 Things where him and Julia Stiles slow dance at the prom I completely lost it. I have this problem, you see. I feel everybody else's pain like it is my own. An infomercial could probably make me cry.
Anyway, as much as I love that the livin' is easy, I can't help but feel a little useless. I need to start looking for a part-time job, or pick up gardening, or find anything to do. I'm awaiting the start of school with excitement. Call me crazy, but as much as I complain about it, I need higher education in my life. I have this unexplainable desire to write term papers and start studying for midterms.
Then there is the fact that I really have no idea who I am, because I've always been defined by what I did and I'm not really doing anything right now. I'm just so sick of shows, and musical theatre, and competing for something that I'm not even sure I want. I'm at a crossroads, and it's so painful. I keep on looking back, and trying to grasp for anything that might resemble who I should I be.
And, top it all off, I'm covered in mosquito bites. Talk about conflicting feelings.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

stuck in summer

Summer Loves:
  • She & Him
  • Rewatching old episodes of The Office
  • Granola
  • Eastern Washington
  • Walking, opposed to driving

Summer No's:

  • People flaking out
  • Waking up to construction workers and tile-less floors
  • Being jobless
  • Wanting last summer back
  • Having no motivation

Eh, are the pros really outweighing the cons here?