Tuesday, July 29, 2008

please don't confront me with my failures, i had not forgotten them

Life is what you make it. I'm finally beginning to realize that every moment of your day requires ceaseless will power. Being lazy is so much more than sitting on your coach with a bag of potato chips. Sometimes I don't apply myself because I'm embarrassed that my total, absolute effort isn't as good as it should be. It feels so much easier to do something half way because you don't have to come to terms with what you are or aren't capable of.

I've always shied away from telling people my dreams and aspirations. I get so worried that I'll be laughed at, or that people will think that I'm not good enough. I'm absolutely jealous of anyone who can fully admit to the world what they want. In fact, I even feel nervous for other people when they start admitting their ambitions aloud.

Nobody knows anybody else fully. Ever. But I'm scared people don't know who I am even a little. I don't know when or why I started this, but I automatically put on a front the minute I meet someone. It's this weird, unwanted bad habit. I'm so afraid that my entire personality is a lie.

How do you find out who you really are? I feel like I'm changing and transforming all the time, and I just want to be set in stone.

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